Below, the Freelance Forecast brought to you by the wonderful Linda Lancashire, Astrologer and Clairvoyant with a frighteningly accurate take on how our signs define us and shape our personalities, approach to life, love and work. I challenge all the cynics among us not to find irrefutable resemblances…
ARIES 21 MARCH – 20 APRIL
Aries is the baby of the Zodiac. If you’re an Arian, you’re headstrong with a short fuse. You’re not always good in your own company and need the stimulation of companions on the phone or by email. Frequently labelled the pioneer of the Zodiac, you start a project enthusiastically and then get bored. Get rich schemes were conceived for you…
Arians can be conscious of their weight. You’re either a sleek feline or a bloated hormonal beached whale with a tendency to overeat. Writer’s block can send you into the kitchen prowling for leftovers “Can’t waste the kids’ mash…”
You don’t like the dark, grey weather and are desperate for spring. It’s not far away…
You are born leaders and pioneers of new fashion and inventions. You thrive on success and an appreciative, admiring audiance, as you adore the limelight.
However, you have been known to become increasingly bored by continuing with the same old thing, and that could even extend to your personal relationships, always thinking that there is something, or someone better , or more fun to be with, around the corner. You can be an opportunist at times and get a buzz out of living in the fast lane. The excitement pushes huge amounts of adrenalin around your veins and you love the feeling of living dangerously.
You speak your mind and tell people exactly what you think You don’t take prisoners and refuse to suffer fools. However, if someone is genuinely in desperate need, you willingly pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes to help them. In this way, you are a really good friend to those you hold in high esteem. Always remember to surround yourself with quality people who have high standards since you place great value on loyalty.
Holidays, mini breaks and time out will become more and more important to you as you grow older.You need to rest, escape from the maddening crowd and recharge those ailing batteries.
TAURUS 21 APRIL – 21 MAY
Taurus represents the Earth Mother of the Zodiac, Diana the Goddess of the Earth. You’re a Bull in a verdant field with flowery hedgerows and wildlife – you look peaceful but when an idea takes a grip, you charge and annihilate anything in your path! You’re heavy footed, clodhopping and go through humongous amounts of shoes costing an absolute fortune every time and at the end of the day your heels are nearly always scuffed!
Oh, you’re outspoken too! You don’t take prisoners, but you can be kind-hearted, when you feel like it, if you think people deserve it.
You spend money like water, eat and drink to excess and have a midriff to match, often concealed by black clothes: time for a change, don’t you think? Your generosity knows no bounds. Incidentally, you’re prone to weight gain – eat a chocolate éclair and gain two kilos in weight! Oh, life just isn’t fair! Back to the diet again. You’re often clumsy with co-ordination issues. Could it be that you’re hormonal most of the time, or three weeks out of four?
You are maternal creatures, caring, sharing and most affectionate: you make excellent parents. You give your babies roots to grow and wings to fly.
Your friends love you because you have a wicked sense of humour but you can be fanatical about other issues during discussion. You’re either extremely tidy (less is more minimalist) or else your house is like a bombsite.
Passionate and sensual – that’s you. On the down side, you may suffer with aches and pains but after washing down a couple of pills and a bottle of Bollinger, you carry on regardless! You like to feel a sense of completion and see projects through to fruition.
GEMINI – 22 MAY TO 21 JUNE
Those poor twins get bad press – as a Gemini you’re perceived to be two-faced and often unhinged. What rubbish! Gemini is a mercurial sign, the sign of the communicator. You are a people person and make great psychologists. You’re flirtatious and can verge on adulterous if you fancy someone that much. You enjoy a challenge. When necessary, you can be a skilled liar, a dissembler and a gifted actor with the gift of the gab – you could sell wool to sheep and make a fat profit!
However, you’re a loyal friend to the very end, and look after your true friends, those who have proved themselves. You enjoy nothing more than being in the company of good food, wine and friends. Try not to lose consciousness before bedtime, 75% of all accidents happen at home. A&E are very busy places!
You can be very protective of money, ownership and your belongings. You’re highly intelligent, well read and ALWAYS extremely good-looking. You know how to dress for every occasion. You may not fall truly in love until you’re more mature. If you’ve been bitten a few times you may well question whether there is such a thing as true love for you. Of course there is, stay positive. Stay plucky and you’ll be lucky!
On one level, you’re the Peter Pan of the Zodiac (you’re in good company, fellow Geminis include Cliff Richard, Joan Collins and Paul McCartney). You’re full of energy, won’t give in and will almost certainly grow old disgracefully.
CANCER – 22 JUNE TO 21 JULY
Cancerians love cooking, baking, making preserves and often have highly developed interior design skills. Born nurturers, home-makers and very maternal, another sign that makes fantastic parents and friends that everyone craves for their own… yet you’ve got to have your hair right and spend a huge amount of money on appearance.
You’re a born organiser, verging on a control freak, yet fiercely loyal to family and loved ones. You love your mum; some of you perhaps don’t get on with your mum but you still love her.
You’re also sentimental and are interested in alternative therapies, Reiki, Reflexology, etc. You’d do well to explore holistic approaches in the face of ill-health either mentally or physically. Conventional medicine doesn’t always suit you because of your heightened sensitivity and some of your ailments may include Eczema, Psoriasis and IBS – examine your diet. There is a way through!
You have an acerbic tongue when vexed and have been know to cut someone down with just an icy glance. Outwardly confident, you’ll have had to work on this aspect of your personality since childhood since some of you may have experienced bullying at some point in your life.
You’re professionally minded and very honest. Under pressure Cancerians are like crabs tangoing in the sand with their opponents when they feel threatened because normally they dislike confrontation. Beneath that hard shell of lipstick and gloss lies a heart of gold that wears a mask until they feel more secure in the company they are in.
At Christmas time, you choose to wrap each present individually with great love, and pay special attention to your own styling and appearance. When heartbroken you weep quietly in the loo when nobody’s looking. You feel the need to have to be a performer at all times. You enjoy shopping in Harvey Nicks and Harrods, etc. You purchase shoes that look gorgeous: you keep chiropodists in business with your odd-shaped feet that you nearly always dislike and criticise.
You’re great with babies, elderly people and make excellent animal trainers.
LEO – 22 JULY TO 21 AUGUST
You are the King or Queen of the Jungle and pussycat master of your own kingdom. As a rule, Leos make great performers enjoying an appreciative audience. People see you as confident, however you battle with the mirror that you’re staring into but you need to learn to accept and genuinely love yourself more. You crave love, affection and attention. You can be extremely insecure at times. Address childhood issues and upbringing. You perhaps need counselling.
You adore intelligent and stimulating conversation and all forms of interesting communication and become easily bored if you don’t get this! Leos are said to be sun worshippers and dislike the grey weather: if this is the case, invest in a light machine!
You work tirelessly to complete a task, and have a special eye for detail. You soon spot mistakes and pick up people if they’re wrong. Given this, you still have lots of friends. Leos are strong people, survivors who like to be adored. Some lions love the limelight, other pussycats want to bathe in the sun alone. They are the best sign for working from home. They can cope with the perceived isolation and don’t suffer from the mindset that can affect others.
Leos often marry more than once or live with various partners. When they reach mid life crisis and their 2.4 children, they panic, let’s get out the Botox and collagen or look at having a face lift as a birthday present from Mr Spouse. Often the divorce rate is high for Leos because they are difficult to live with, and can attract partners during the course of their life who slowly become jealous of their success, pulling them down with comments signifying emotional blackmail, attacking their self-esteem and being downright negative.
In the Leo case, all this barrage of negativity has the opposite effect and will result in this Pussycat losing a few battles but winning the war!
You’re not materialistically minded but often wrongly accused of it. You are deeply spiritual, kind-hearted and understanding and at times, uncannily psychic.
VIRGO – 22 AUGUST TO 21 SEPTEMBER
The most pedantic nitpickers of the entire Zodiac. Virgos are paid to look for problems in whichever profession they are in. And they find them. They read the small print in every contract available. They work for their clients, and they aim to win. And they always do, which sickens their rivals. They are driven by greed, money and success and as much financial gain as possible to feather their nest for their old age.
Virgos want to be seen to have the best car in the street, the designer clothes, the trappings of a wealthy life. They’re party animals with a crazy sense of humour, ambitious and yet prize loyalty above all else.
Once bitten, twice shy. There’s a hard edge to Virgos. Virgo women prefer sons, finding daughters difficult to handle and competitive, could this be a hint of the green-eyed monster? Address your issues.
As a Virgo, you’re prepared to work and usually have lots of tests in life. Obstacles are thrown at you to try to slow you down but they rarely do. You may go through years of shoving water uphill trying to get somewhere with your life but in the end you always get there; you’ve proved that time and time again. You enjoy nice possessions, you keep clean homes to maintain order because you cannot work in squalor. Decluttering is very important – having a home out of order affects your mindset and your mood swings.
You enjoy studying to improve your mind and are generally well read and well informed. Virgos tend to work in the field of psychotherapy and hypnotherapy or else in hospitals and institutions where you can care for people.
Virgos need private time but must avoid falling into depression because of a lack of intelligent company to stimulate their brain cells. Holidays are always a good idea to enable you to get away from your laptop and mobile, recharge your ailing batteries and refresh your brain for the next long haul mission.
LIBRA – 22 SEPTEMBER TO 21 OCTOBER
Oh, the beautiful people, the film stars and catwalk models of the Zodiac. You’re elegant with flair, and can be creative with your looks and your home. You are capable of turning a bunch of garden weeds into a stunning flower arrangement that people would pay hundreds of pounds for. You love experimenting with anything new.
In a relationship you can be passive, because you want a peaceful life allowing your partner to hold the reins. Be careful that they don’t succeed. Normally you will be crafty about getting your own way in the end and successfully twist people around your little finger.
Libra is the sign of the scales: Librans require a sense of harmony and balance to be productive and creative. You’re prone to mood swings, mental illness and depression. Sometimes you feel good, groomed and professional; other days you feel fat and frumpy.
Working in radio or TV suits you – you’re an excellent communicator and appear full of zest. In reality, this can be an act. You hide and suppress inner emotions, and can be embittered about past partners hanging for grim death thus disallowing yourself a golden future. There is a tendency to be vindictive, always seeking revenge though never openly admitting it.
You enjoy admirers even if you pretend you don’t know of any. You’re insulted if there don’t appear to be any. You’re the only sign who can conduct a love affair in secret over a long period of time. You like younger lovers and are drawn to people with power, status and money. You’re a social climber.
You have a collection of friends surrounding you but often fail to recognise the hangers-on as you purr sweetly to flattery.
You love to throw a party and you’re the hostess with the mostess. Although you get exhausted and need to rest, you will never let that side of you show. Weakness is beneath you. However, please note: if you insist on burning the candle at both ends, you will age age quickly as a result of your lifestyle to the point where expensive creams and gallons of mineral water no longer work.
When you are older, only then will you realise how much abuse you have given your body, and you’ll find yourself looking for the expensive elixir of youth to counteract this. At this point, cheaper creams will no longer work: you had too much caffeine, drugs, alcohol, and you’ll find yourself in organic shops looking for nettle tea and the elixir of youth to counter this. You’re the one having collagen injections and exalting a new moisturiser when you use Nivea.
SCORPIO – 22 OCTOBER TO 21 NOVEMBER
Scorpios are the investigators of the Zodiac. You have an eye for detail and will leave no stone unturned until you get to the bottom of your problem and are happy with the result recognising the achievement of all the hard work. You’re perceptive and intuitive at all times and don’t suffer fools gladly. There is no forgiving and forgetting. You deliver your opinions raw. Quite frankly, you don’t give a damn what anyone one thinks or feels about your comments or outlook on any situation.
In love or professionally, you can be intensely passionate and obsessive or possessive about the object or subject of your desire. This can be a vestige of your childhood insecurities and past history. You are usually intelligent and well read, preferring the company of people who are your intellectual equal and who have made a success of their lives in one way or another.
The only reason that you are known to be hoarders of clothes, jewellery, paraphernalia, etc is because you never have the time to sort out the cupboards and wardrobes in your life. There is always a more pressing matter, of greater urgency drawing you to the front door of your house waving goodbye to your family, dashing into your car and solving other people’s problems.
You constantly plead poverty because you don’t trust people and you always think they’re on your case but secretly you stash cash and other stuff in secret hideaways because you think that’s where they can’t find it.
You flourish as you mature, and you have an evil sense of humour, always putting your sting into the last paragraph of any story. You are prone to foul mood swings and equally are protective of your loved ones and what you feel belongs to you materially, emotionally or spiritually. In a battle for life, you never ever give in endeavouring always to have the last say.
If someone has the audacity to let your car tyre down, although it may take you twenty years, somehow or other you will find a way of letting theirs down because you need to have a sense of revenge, metaphorically speaking.
You know about the power of communication and how to use words. You’re one of life’s truth seekers highly spiritually evolved with a scarily developed sense of intuition and perception. Scorpios are surrounded always by people envious of their success however your spirit cannot be broken and your mind will always be strong and determined. You will fight to the death.
SAGITTARIUS – 22 NOVEMBER TO 21 DECEMBER
You are a courageous creature, half man, half horse. You are the sign of the Archer. Courageously you shoot your arrow into the air, pay no attention whatsoever as to where it falls and “quite frankly, my dear, you don’t give a damn”. When the mood takes you, you gallop after it, riding roughshod over patios and tearing down clean washing from off the line destroying newly laid concrete and lawns, causing havoc absolutely everywhere but what the hell.
At times you behave like a pantomime horse. You enjoy fun, fancy dress parties and pantomimes and you are attracted to all things that are “different” including alternative remedies, and the bizarre.
You adore people of like minds. By nature, you are diplomatic, choose your words carefully and are great orators. However, you still prefer to sit on your own, contemplate and reflect upon the day’s activities.
People always see you as on the go. They feel that you never want to grow old. You enjoy dressing in up to date fashions and revel in walking into a room and stopping the conversation dead because of your good looks and charismatic personality. You are good dressers, good orators and attracted to spiritual things including angels, astrology and alternative remedies.
Sagittarians charm the enemy – they go to the top and stay there, you have what it takes. You love travel, meeting new people who are unusual and in the malls are renowned Olympic shoppers. However, you often make the mistake of poor money management and find yourself shafted in divorce or relationship breakdowns.
You look for partners in life who are intelligent, understanding and scrub up well because although you enjoy the power of the mind, image is also equally important at some fashion or gala event. Try not to be too shallow as this can easily be done in the heat of the moment.
CAPRICORN – 22 DECEMBER TO 21 JANUARY
You are the hardworking goat of the Zodiac, who climbs quietly up the ladder of success spitting out rotten nails, broken glass and barbed wire on the way to the summit without anyone ever noticing until you finally reach the top, and then all hell breaks loose. People wonder how on earth you got there without them noticing and how you triumphed through all the hard work and adversities of life.
You are the oldest sign of the Zodiac, you were born old and without much of a childhood. You are deemed to work hard and have had to always sing for your supper. Often you are mistaken for being boring and frumpy because of your love of routine and an orderly way of life. However, this is a great mistake on the behalf of others because they underestimate the power of your knowledge of life.
Very often you have suffered complications during your birthright and upbringing. Some of you may have changed your name by deed poll to escape your origins. Perhaps there have been absent parents or misunderstandings with siblings that endure. This may have resulted in you taking drastic steps.
You respect your family and your loved ones always. You may be forced into caring for them until the very end. Certain people will view you as Scrooges and say that you are mean with money, spending theirs rather than yours. However, you are no fool and when the time is right, you will lavish expense on those who deserve your affections, and you’ll ignore the rest of them.
Nevertheless there are some Capricorns who will sit in a cold house and put on a woolly jumper rather than turn up the heating or throw a log on the fire. You will eat out of saucepans or fork baked beans straight from the can to save on washing up liquid. Could this be you? Many of you will suffer with your joints and bones – osteoporosis and arthritis are particular ailments – and it is rare that you will go through life without physical pain of some kind or other.
Capricorns make good dinner party guests, can hold a conversation on any level and communicate well. Capricorns will often wear a nice watch or ring and will look to see what you’re wearing. Did you get yours free from a petrol station, a lucky bag or a sophisticated jeweller’s? Only the goat can tell the difference and will let you know about it.
AQUARIUS – 22 JANUARY TO 21 FEBRUARY
You are the mad professor and the eccentric of the Zodiac. Crazy for you is normal, and you don’t know normal at all, no idea, blah blah.
Aquarians don’t enjoy routine. Your greatest skill is weighing people up and you are never wrong in your assumptions. You are the people watchers of all time. You are renowned for being gifted at character analysis and are deep thinkers with an appreciation of the written word. You are skilled at writing wonderful letters to your friends and you enjoy receiving handwritten communication, addressed to you personally by those who count the most.
You work at forging long-lasting relationships. You are gifted at understanding human behaviour and above all, you adore animals and will break down in tears if reading any literature that concerns cruelty to our furry friends. You dislike people intensely who do not show appreciation or compassion towards wildlife: how people treat their animals is how they’ll treat you. Never ever forget that!
You enjoy dressing up and are often guilty of hoarding things, old clothes, broken lawnmowers in the cupboards, attic and garage, stuff you’ve accumulated over years but which often has neither use nor value in case it comes in handy.
You’re conscious of money all of the time and often plead poverty to your friends knowing damn well you can afford certain things. All of a sudden you disappear for a long holiday abroad somewhere and no one ever knows how you financed it. You never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing!
Aquarians are the only sign to be divorced and happy at any one time. Ideally you should never marry but you do in the end because love always finds a way. However, keeping a separate house for your spouse would be the best idea. Aquarians will have lovers and make good mistresses. Ex lovers keep in touch with them because they enjoy a sense of fun and the conversation that goes with it.
You are good at delegating work and are often highly intelligent – despite appearing otherwise, you are patient and good at working with people with learning difficulties.
PISCES – 22 FEBRUARY TO 20 MARCH
You are the crazy sign of the Zodiac. Everyone loves you. The good, the rich and the bad. You drink far too much wine and believe that two nights off will restore your liver function. If you’re not careful, you can be addicted to gambling, lotteries, medication, alcohol and other recreational drugs. It’s so easy…
You dislike being pinned down to any one commitment, and make your own mind up when you’re ready. You’re a wonderful storyteller: in company, you are a born comedian. You look good, sound good and you ARE good. A born actor or actress, you attract people from all the different star signs. You will have a library of friends, all unique. People believe in you, adore you and you are a convincing in any kind of situation. People like you are found in Parliament.
Yet you’re plausible and people believe in you because of your hypnotic mannerisms. You put your victims in a trance within the first five minutes of meeting. However, you are prone to weight gain, bloating and feeling bad because of your constant promise to address your diet and lifestyle yet your enduring failure to do so.
You indulge in collecting rubbish, car boot sales, antiques; anything that you think may become useful, cluttering the place up and driving your partner mad with frustration despite your endeavours to convince them that all your junk is an investment.
Many of you are very psychic and make excellent spiritual healers for humans and animals. You attend churches and enjoy healing circles. The unknown and the paranormal attract you beyond the realms of understanding. You often make fantastic artists who can paint both earthly things or spiritual auras or guides. You have a hidden gift that no other star sign was born to have which makes you so very different, and again misunderstood. Trust me, you are sane. It’s just those others who aren’t…
Yet you attract natural disasters. Your washing machine breaks, your boiler explodes and your holiday is the one when the boat sank and everyone got a terrible virus. You visit friends and break an ankle falling downstairs. You’re sad inside if you’re not loved and adored. You play sad music and end up even sadder. You could be a hypochondriac and a chocoholic. You do buy excellent, thoughtful and original presents, though.
You make great parents. Your kids run riot, jump off roofs without injury – they’re immune. You’re the one on crutches after colliding with a milk float while crossing the street. You nearly always end up in a home in your latter years or with dementia.